i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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