so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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