you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
