We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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