Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
