I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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