I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
