$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
