I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
