Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
