He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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