I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
