I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
