the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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