Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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