I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
