Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
