put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
