I wish my penis had an off switch
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
