just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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