thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
