guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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