just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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