he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
