I just pynch a tree in the face
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
