Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
