Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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