Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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