Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
