she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
this hospital has no fireball
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
