Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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