it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
