I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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