I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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