it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
