I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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