I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
birth control should be required to get into college
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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