I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
