i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
