How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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