I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
