Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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