I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
