He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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