I think I won the penis lottery.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This house was built for laser tag.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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