Got a toothbrush?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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