sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize