wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
