By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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