Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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