I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
