***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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