You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize