Don't you send me to vm
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
