Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
