between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
