When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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