Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
