I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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