it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
