I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
