I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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