im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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