Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
