id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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