I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
