According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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