final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
