dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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