Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
