I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
