maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
