woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
