I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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